Thursday, December 15, 2005

Wondering

I had driven to Oregon for the weekend to spend some time with my step daughter and her family. She was about 4 years old when her daddy and I got married. She has been a part of our family since that time by visiting over the summer for several weeks. We have grown close over the years. Although I am not her “mother” and her mom is alive and involved in her life, we still enjoy each other and I am a grandma to her 5 children.
As I was driving home alone, I had time to think. I was reflecting on the stress I was experiencing due to the holidays. I thought to myself (since I was alone, I actually had time to think. In fact, that is about all I could do was think or listen to the radio.) I decided I didn’t like the stress I was experiencing with the holidays and wondered what I could do about it. I have learned in the last few years that I am more insightful than I thought I was if I “wonder”. That is when my insights or revelations come. It is really cool, actually, and a gift I tell myself to use more often.
So, I was wondering what I could do different next Christmas season. I came up with some ideas:
1. I will put a little money aside from each pay check to be saved up for Christmas gift giving. I get stressed out over spending, even if there is money to spend. I decided if I plan for the money, save it up, I will feel less stressed and enjoy the process of gift giving more.
2. I will take a lesson from my daughter. She comes up with thoughtful gifts. I am going to think about the person (that is close to wondering) throughout the year and gather ideas of what I think they might enjoy for Christmas. I can even purchase it anytime I desire.
3. If I decide to do Christmas cards, I will do it over the Thanksgiving Holiday so it isn’t so rushed.
4. I will spend the entire year, making the gifts I want to make so they are done prior to Thanksgiving time. That will give me pleasure all year as I am able to create gifts for others.

My point in sharing these ideas that are probably so simple to someone else, are:
1. I think it is important to learn from our life experiences. So often we go through difficult challenges only to repeat them in some form because we didn’t learn. I think it is important that we find positive lessons in life experience. A positive learning empowers the learner and is used to help the future. What a shame it would be for a woman to place her baby for adoption and never see the positive in the experience.
2. “Wondering” is a way to let insights come. The brain is an amazing thing. It wants to help us work things out. Take time to wonder sometimes and see what comes.
If something isn’t working in your life, you can continue to do the same thing over and over or decide to do something different. Too often, women continue in unhealthy relationships rather that deciding she will do something different.

I hope that these words help someone take charge of her life in a new way. I find life to be an amazing experience, especially when I am aware.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

BETH

I smile just thinking of her…

I met Beth over 14 years ago. She came to the office, barely pregnant and already deciding she was going to place the baby for adoption. Her mother was devastated. The night Beth told her parents, her mom jumped into a car and took off driving until she was pulled over by a cop. One look at the woman’s tear stained face and the coped asked, “did you just find out your daughter is pregnant?” Mom cried some more and eventually returned home. (Most girls tell me it wasn’t so bad telling the parents.)

Beth was an energetic and positive girl. She seemed to make the best of a difficult situation. She felt it was in her child’s best interest to be placed for adoption with a family that had 2 parents and the ability to care for a child. She looked at adoptive couple profiles and immediately identified a couple that she knew was right for her child. (Back then all she could look at was a one page profile with non-identifying information.) She told me she felt good about them and that they were “the ones”.

Beth and I continued to meet together weekly, talking through adoption issues and family concerns. She decided to move into a foster home as she went through this process. She stayed with 2 families that were loving and supportive. Beth shared with me how she became pregnant—sounded like date rape to me. She had been at a home with a young man that she was just “hanging out” with. When she came out of the bath room, he pounced on her and the next thing she knew, she was pregnant. She knew her life style had lead to this consequence.

Being pregnant was an opportunity for Beth to decide where she was going in life. She used this time as an opportunity for change. As uncomfortable as she became, she still had an infectious laugh. I remember her coming into group and calling herself a “beached whale” as she would lie on the floor, searching for a way to be comfortable. The adult group coordinator, at the time, thought this was inappropriate and would become frustrated with her. I thought Beth was cute and just a young girl trying to get through a difficult time.

In the weekly group meetings, Beth became friends with the other girls—we had a big group then. We knew when each was due, what the sex of the baby was and if the decision was: place, keep, undecided.

Beth is 32 years old now. We still keep in touch. Her daughter is 14 years old and was placed for adoption. The above mentioned group coordinator no longer helps out (thank goodness). Beth married and had 4 more children. Her children all know about her first daughter. She is a fun, energetic and excellent mother. That marriage didn’t last (she found a man that was immature and selfish), eventually ending in divorce. Once again, Beth chose to learn from her experience rather than be bitter. She has recently remarried and is thriving.

Beth has been an example to me with her faith in Heavenly Father. I admire her energy, positive attitude and joy in life. Because of what she has been through, she has wanted to help other girls. At one time, she was the “group coordinator”. You can bet she didn’t get frustrated with girls that lay on the floor. Beth sees adoption as a positive experience in her life. Even with the limited information she received from her adoptive couple (at that time she wasn’t able to meet or see a photo of them and only received pictures for 6 months), she knows what she did was right for her and her daughter. She hopes some day to meet her oldest child.

(See a comment made by Beth)

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

GROUP

December 7, 2005

On Monday afternoon, we had Birth Parent group again. Currently, we have been meeting every other Monday for about 1 ½ hours to visit and share information. This meeting was the “Christmas Party”. The attendees brought cookies to exchange and a “white elephant” gift. I usually don’t enjoy the gag gift game because it seems like such a waste of time. Tonight, all the gifts were something that someone (or at least me) would want and could use. As I watched, I was pleased for the 5 birth moms attending because they would go home with a cookie tray and a gift. Being pregnant, single and sometimes young, can feel like an alone and scary time. What is going to happen to me? How will I get through this? What will people think or how will they treat me? Group can help a girl feel less alone.

We had a new visitor to group tonight. She is currently living on a military base and feeling some what isolated. She enjoyed the contact with other women in the same situation she was in. Several time she said to one of the other girls, “that is just like me (my situation)”. I felt happy for her that she wouldn’t have to be as alone as she had been because she came to group. She also mentioned that she was “confused”. I explained that was normal. During pregnancy, the hormones are up and down. That can also affect the decision process. Placing a child for adoption, single parenting or marriage are all important decisions. Each comes with consequences that are not fully known. Placing a child for adoption and being in the child’s life on a day to day basis can seem impossible to bear. Raising a child alone as a single mother, facing the challenges alone, over and over can also be overwhelming and far longer lasting to a young woman and to the child. Therefore the decision can fluctuate as information is gathered. It is a decision that takes maturity and uses the head and the heart. I often ask the questions—“who are you thinking of, the child or yourself?”

Because I have been a part of group for 15 years, it sometimes seems boring to me—especially if no one picks up the conversation. I know, however, that attending group offers a support to these girls as they gather information to aid them in their decision. Some girls have already decided to place. In group they can learn about how other girls placed their child and what that experience was like. Several weeks ago, I asked a past Birth Mom to come to group and share her story. She was 16 years old at the time of her pregnancy. She kept. For over 4 years she struggled through life with birth father, various relationships with friends and boys, ups/downs with parents. She loves her daughter and wishes she had placed her for adoption. “C” is now recently married which brings up new challenges. When she was 16 years old, she hoped that some day she would work in the legal field. At this time of her life, she hasn’t graduated from high school and has trouble keeping a job due to juggling a child and the stress in her life. She loves her child, she also see the struggles she has with her daughter as she, as the mother, tries to get through life. Now, she wishes she could give her daughter more and that she had more to give to herself.