Sound Familiar?

“K” has a boyfriend that she “loves” but doesn’t want to marry. He has been her“best friend” for year and wants to be with her. Being pregnant helped her to realize that continuing to stay in this relationship was not going to take her where she wanted to go in life. Her boyfriend is a hard worker in an apprentice training position. He earns good money. He also continues to smoke pot and hang out with his friends. She decided it was time for her to grow-up and move on. She expressed gratitude for being pregnant even though it was going to be hard to place her child for adoption. If she keeps the baby, she knows she would always be involved with the birth father and she doesn’t want that. She realizes it is time for her to move towards her “life goals”—do things that will get her what she really wants in life and be with people who are going the direction she wants to go. She has reconnected to family for support to help her through this time.
In group, we talked about the positive side of being pregnant, not married and considering adoption. Some girls have drawn closer to parents and siblings. It is a time to consider where one is going with her life and make new choices. Going through this process often strengthens the spiritual core—with struggle comes growth. This is often a time of reflection and growing up. A girl might ponder about “what really matters” or “what do I want”. A great time to do some Journaling. The sacrifice of placing a child for adoption can also be a time of recognizing one’s worth in new ways. Sacrifice is strengthening Sacrificing also builds confidence to know that when you are faced with something difficult and you were able to meet the challenge—thinking beyond your own emotional need to the needs of your child and placing your baby for adoption.
Can you see why Birth Mothers are HEROES?

I'm Worth More

A few days before group, Heidi called to tell me she had just moved to the area, placed her baby 4 years ago and wanted to come to group to meet and help other girls. I was happy to hear from her because it can be helpful to pregnant girls to hear the stories of other birth mothers. Luckily, group was the following day and I was expecting as many as 8 girls—a larger number than usual. Most of the girls would be new to the group experience. (Girls come and go as they have their baby.)

Heidi was the focus of the group. She shared her story of pregnancy, decision process and placing her baby for adoption. She brought her photo album full of pictures and letters that she had received over the years from the adoptive couple. Heidi had recently married in 2005. Over the past 4 years, she had continued to have contact with the birth father. She said she “loved him” and felt drawn to him. She has come to realize, now that she is married, that the birth father had been her “drug of choice”. Together they fed off of each other. She turned to him to feel good about herself and tried to control him in order to get her needs met. (Sound familiar to anyone?)

I asked Heidi what her relationship was like with her husband. She said it was much different. She said she realizes now that back then “she was worth a lot more than she gave herself credit for.” I asked her to repeat this back to the group again. I asked the girls to think about this statement and how it might relate to them. So often a girl/woman will give up what she wants because she has something not so good, but at least she has something. This could be a guy or a lesser goal. In reality, a girl probably has nothing at all. She settles for less.

Think about what you want---really want. Then see if your choices/behavior are leading you towards what you want. If you are not going towards what you want, maybe it is time to make some changes.

Emotional Intensive Care

I recently learned 2 new terms in group.

An adult volunteer shared what it was like for her to take a baby from the hospital to the new home. Her husband worked for an airline company, so she transported infants out of state. She called it the “second phase of birthing”. She shared how she felt the hand of the Lord, at times, helping her get where she needed to be in order to get the baby to the new home. She cried as she told the birth mothers in group about a specific journey where everything went wrong and she was still able to pick up an infant and make it to the plan in time to make all the connections. She made the “delivery” happen to a new location.

Heidi shared a term she learned from her father. She said that she had been determined to place her baby for adoption. She made a commitment to God and wrote her commitment in her journal—she would not disappoint the adoptive family—she would go through with her decision to place her baby for adoption. She was strong and firm until she passed the baby to the adoptive couple and turned to walk away. Heidi said she “collapsed into her father’s arms”. He “carried” her back to her room in the hospital where she sobbed. Although she knew that adoption was the best decision for her and the baby, she still felt pain. Her father, in his tenderness told her she was in “emotional intensive care”. is words were a caution for her to be careful with her emotional self and give herself time to “heal” from this unselfish act she had just participated in. Not only did she need to recovery from bearing a child, she needed to give herself time to recover from placing a child.

Young AND Old

I had brunch the other day to celebrate a friend’s birthday. As we visited, topics ranged from teasing, spouses’ recent surgery, wrinkles (character marks), big noses, cut off fingers (I have one)……. Our ages ranged from 23 to 54 years old.
Eventually someone commented that the younger women in our church group didn’t want to be with us because we were “older”.
WHAT? I exclaimed. I found this hard to believe. I realize I am “older” when I look in the mirror. In spite of what is reflected back to me, I also see myself as multi-talented, funny, resourceful and someone that most people would want to be with.
I have come to believe this about myself in my “mature” years. This realization has been one of the benefits of aging for me. Over the years, my confidence has grown with my experiences and I recognize my strengths in many ways. I purposefully decided in my younger years to focus on “what was good about me” rather than on what was “not so good”. There seemed to be enough input for the negative that I decided I didn’t need to add to the pot.
So, Young or Old, we can all be friends. I learn from you and you learn from me.