They Came in Three's

What a week! Three of the girls and I am working with delivered this week: Saturday morning, Sunday evening and Tuesday afternoon. I did the final placement today. Two of the girls seemed to sail through easily. The last placement, today, was a struggle. Birth Mom had been firm in her decision to place, but struggled when it came time to say goodbye. She previously had an entional time before the baby was born, but was able to talk her way through her feelilngs. (This is normal.) She got caught up on, "Is this really the right things to do?" When the adoptive couple arrived from out of state, she struggled again but decided to meet them even though she wasn't sure what she was going to do. (This time she was faced with the "finality" of her decision.) Once she met them, she had the reassurance and peace she needed to follow through. More evidence for Hero Status.

When I say, "What a week!", it is nothing to compare to the week these women had. I was just trying to keep up with the paperwork, be supportive and get everything done. Each placement was so different and each young woman is coping in her own way.

Tuesday we will have Group and celebrate the birth of the babies with brownies and ice cream

About three years ago, I had the "Three's" in March. I had barely found out about a birth mom in Alaska when I received the call that the baby was born. I flew to Alaska the next day. Just before I left, Emmy had her baby. I was able to visit her after delivery, but wasn't around for the placement. While in Alaska, another girl delivered. I was able to get home before the placement. The birth mom in Alaska had chosen a couple that lived in Germany (temporary due to military assignment). I was able to meet the adoptive couple briefly and introduce them to the volunteer so she could do the placement.

Some one in the office that was observing the happenings of the week (she adopted 20 years ago) commented that she liked the way adoption was done in all those years ago. She didn't feel comfortable with the information that birth parents had. I hear this type of comment often. I have worked with Birth Parents for 16 years. Over the years, a birth mother has been given more options and power in the process. I think it is a great improvement and helps in the healing process.

Tacome Tide

I saw a great commercial the other day. A man drove onto a beach in his Tacoma truck. He got out, took his kayak into the ocean and disappeared. Using time lapse photography, the tide came in until the truck was tossed and tumbled by the waves. At some point, the truck was submerged and rolled in the ocean. The tide eventually receded, leaving the truck sitting up right again. The man returned and loaded his kayak into the back of his truck. I watched with my mouth open and laughed as the man drove away.
I chuckle when I recall this commercial. To the man, it was as if nothing had happened to his truck. For the viewer, it was amazing that the truck survived and started. The commercial, stating that the truck was “resilient”, seemed to be a metaphor. To the man, it seemed that nothing had happened to the truck. The truck, however, had been through a difficult or challenging situation. I don’t know if the truck would really survive such a thing in “real life”.
I do know a birth mother that places her baby for adoption goes through a difficult challenge. Often, people cannot understand what she has been through or even know of the challenge. In “real life” I have seen many women survive the experience and go forward.
One thing that struck me from seeing the commercial was NOT about buying a Tacoma truck, but that I want to be resilient in my life. I want to overcome my challenges and grow. If I am going to face a challenge, I want to land on my four tires, start my engine and keep on going. Life can be a wipe out or a learning experience.
I dedicate this entry to Courtney. She had a baby boy on Saturday. The hospital social worker called to let me know she was concerned about Courtney “clinging to her baby like Velcro to her chest”. (What doest she expect? The girl has a short tinme with her child. I would be "clinging" too.) She thought Courtney was being pressured to place her baby by her mother. The social worker called me again later to tell me she was impressed by the “maturity of this 17 year old that wanted more for her baby—a mother and father and more”. I think the social worker couldn’t understand why I wasn’t at the hospital and doing my “casework” with this young girl. Little did she know that the “casework” had been happening for months prior to the birth. Courtney has prepared to think about what is best for her baby over what would make her feel good. I see her as “resilient” and courageous.

ZING - another idea

Sometimes I am just going along in my life when I am suddenly “enlightened” by some awesome idea. I ask myself where this idea came from. When the idea has nothing to do with anything, I consider the possibility of being inspired and I am thrilled that I had a random idea attack. The more random the idea, the more I think I am inspired. I will usually ask myself, “What were you just thinking?” I seem to get a “random idea” if I “wonder”. Wondering has brought me many insights.
A great time for me to wonder is when I am trying to understand what is going on for someone else. When the idea ZINGS into my brain, I pay attention to it because it could be helpful. One morning, I was in my bed, working on waking up. (Morning is the time I pretend I am getting up as I ponder or pray. As I sleepily wander through my day and wonder about things, helpful thoughts might come to me. This reflection time might also occur in the shower or when I am driving.) I visited with my daughter the previous night. She hadn’t been feeling well, so we were talking about her symptoms. In my “waking up state” I wondered what was going on with my daughter. ZING! In comes the idea that she had been attacked. I was shocked because an attack seemed terrible. The thought was so random; I decided to wonder more about it. You can bet that I was feeling a little more awake at this time. As I thought about “attack” I realized that perhaps it could mean something other that being attacked by another person. The idea came to me that her body was being attacked by something. I didn’t end up with a firm idea of what was happening for my daughter, but I did feel more empathy for her. Before getting out of bed, I sent her healing energy. (Oh,mom, that's woo woo.)
Another time, I was visiting with my friend Wendy. She is a therapist and I value her expertise. If someone asked me who my “hero” was, it would be a person that I think can easily learn and use the knowledge to help self and others. Someone I admire would be Wendy. She was sharing about her sister getting remarried. I was listening, but my subconscious must have also been listening. The idea ZINGED in that the future husband was Afro-American and this might be difficult for the family to accept. I didn’t know where the idea came from until I realized that I had just been unconsciously wondering what the fiancée was like. Wondering must have brought in the idea. I shared my thought with Wendy, “Is he Black?” She answered, “How did you know?” We laughed and I felt inspired. This incident was a wake-up call for me to value my own intuition.
My hope is that I will develop and use my gifts, whatever they are. I think we all have potentials far beyond our expectation. I you ask me, ZINGERS are right up there with x-ray vision.

Update on "Jake"

I want to do a follow-up on the 2 ½ year old, “Jake”. I had several women comment to me, “How could she place him for adoption” and “what about the sister”.
“Judge not”. The web page doesn’t tell the whole story. I think Mom realized that she wasn’t able to give Jake what he needed. She said she would be “overly mothering” at times and “angry/frustrated” at other times. She wanted more for Jake than she saw herself giving him. That caused her pain and hurt Jake. I don’t know the role of step-dad in all this. Addiction issues were a concern.
Since the placement, mom called me daily to see how Jake was doing. She has received a few picture/letter in the form of scrap book pages from the adoptive couple. She knows how well Jake is doing in his new home. Jake loves his new parents, calling them mom and dad already. He has the full attention of 2 adults that are thrilled to have him. Adoptive mom commented that after Jake was in her home a short time, she cried and cried because she felt so blessed to have him and couldn’t remember not having him. In a short time, she and dad are so connected that it would be difficult to loose him. They have been to the park, on walks, visited cousins, attended church and more. If Jake suffers from being placed for adoption at the age of 2 ½, just think about what he might suffer if he stayed in his original home.
Birth Mom appeared with me and the attorney before the Judge. She was clear in stating that she knew what she was doing and felt it was in the best interest of her child. I agree with her. Jake is free of the conflict that was happening in the home. Unfortunately, the 6 year old sister and baby brother are still in the home. I believe that mom and her family are connected enough to sister that she will be safe. I think sister could see what was happening to her brother and knows he is in a better place.
I will share with you that Jake is thriving in his new home. I also think that Mom has a better chance in being successful in her life. She has completed flagging school and started working. So, now when you look at a female flaggers—be nice, maybe it is her, and think about how brave and unselfish she was. She sacrificed her feelings in order to give her son a better life.

"CRISIS"

At group last week, we had about 9 pregnant females in attendance plus a Dula, a volunteer helper and me. One of the pregnant females is Heidi—placed a baby 4 years ago, is married, about 3 months pregnant and comes to group to help other girls. I decided I better bring another bread machine and make 2 loaves of bread because it goes fast.
A dula is a woman that helps woman during labor-delivery-post partum. Shelby, our dula, got involved with our group by recently working with one of my girls. Shelby expressed interest in adoption and working with birth moms, so we now have a new support and I am so excited. She is also going to become trained on child birth classes and will teach the girls in group. She also answers questions that the girls have concerning pregnancy and birthing during group.
For the past years, there hasn’t been much of a “group”. Either there are not any girls I am working with or they live too far away to come to the office for group support. I am thrilled at the increase in attendance this year. Currently, we meet every other week at 3:30 p.m. and schedule for 1 ½ hour. It is not unusual for the girls to linger until 6 p.m. or later, just visiting. In fact, last week, the girls were leaving group about 6:30 p.m. and going over to I-Hop to get something to eat. I did not join them because I had an “I 2 Eye” appointment (internet/TV) with a birth mother in Anchorage. My heart rejoiced to see the connection the girls were making with each other and building support for the difficulties they would be facing.
In May, 3 girls will be having their babies. One has chosen a family and is making final preparations. On the weekend, she had a “crisis” that we talked about at group. She had been shopping for baby items because her plan is to take the baby home for a few days after she leaves the hospital because the birth father (in another state) wants to see the baby before placement. We do not want to contact the birth father prior to termination of parental rights. “Angie” realizes this will be hard, but has been so focused on adoption, that she believed she could handle taking the baby home and still go through with adoption. Her “crisis” was feeling overwhelmed with fear of changing her mind and not telling me or keeping and wishing she had placed. In group, she could laugh at her “crisis” but at the time, it was difficult for her. I wanted her to share so the other girls could hear what they might also experience.
“Angie” called me during the “crisis” and we talked. I told her that it was good practice telling she might change her mind. If a birth mother cannot tell me what she wants, I am in big trouble. The trouble comes after the placement when she is not happy and it is too late to do anything about placing the baby other than healing and moving forward. I told “Angie” it was normal to have second thoughts, especially since she was making such a major decision. Unfortunately, even if an adoption decision is sound, planned and thought out, hormones make it difficult and there is emotional pain. Trying to avoid the pain from placement might help in the moment, but one doesn’t know what the future will hold for the mother or the child.
“Angie” shared at group, that after her “crisis” and falling apart, she soon felt better. She continues to focus on placing her son for adoption. She is anxious to no longer be pregnant. She loves her adoptive couple. She shared that the evening of her “crisis” she got an email from the adoptive mom telling her that they (adoptive couple) would love her even if she changed her mind. We talked in group about how in-tune and timely that email was--a blessing.